Beating the bully

For a moment, let's lay aside opinions on policy, ideals or any kind of politics, and simply look at the two candidates from a purely apolitical stance as candidates in a debate.

Whatever our opinions of her as a person or a politician, Hillary Clinton's performance in the debates was masterful. She was formidable in her composure and her preparation and her execution of the plan to goad her opponent into self destruction worked to perfection.

But there is something even more powerful that happened here. Something that touched me personally.

She defeated the bully.

Donald Trump stormed through the primaries, seizing the nomination and control of the stunned Republican Party by being the biggest bully on the playground. His opponents, used to being the alphas, the ones pushing others around were swept aside, they were used to being big fish, he was the shark and they had no answer, by the time they realised what was happening it was too late, their attempts to attack back were met with more furious cpunter attacks by a man prepared to go harder and further, a man unconcerned with boundaries, decency or fair play. He had no hesitation in fighting harder and dirtier than they were. and any response they had just seemed weak and desperate. they were done, their campaigns and their party shattered, dazed and reeling.

Then he moved on to the presidential campaign. In the media back and forth he was reasonably successful, he's a master at mobilizing his supporters, sparking fires on social media, he's loud, brash and a showman, to him any press is good press, the conversation was all about him, the campaign, all about him. He effectively fired his barbs at Hillary from a distance, his strategy of schoolyard name calling stuck. every opponent had a name; lyin' Ted Cruz, Little Marco Rubio, Low Energy Jeb Bush, Crazy Bernie Sanders and of course, Crooked Hillary Clinton. it's bullying 101. the nickname takes power from the victim, allows the bully to dictate their identity, it belittles and dehumanises, people see the label, not the person.

Despite the flaws in his campaign, he controlled the narrative and he closed the gap so that by the time of the first debate they were less than 2 points apart. Basically level.

But then he came face to face with Hillary Clinton.

In case you missed the memo, Clonton is a woman. She's a woman who spent her career in fields dominated by men, by 'alpha males' and old boys club attitudes and she's risen to the top.

You can be pretty certain she's faced a few bullies in her time. And in the debates it showed. Cruz, Bush, and Rubio may not have been shell shocked and ill prepared, but she has faced and dealt with bad behaviour from stronger, smarter men than Trump all her life, just look at her husband!

Which brings me to my point.

This is not a post about the politics. this is a post about bullying. If you have ever been bullied, as I have, Hillary Clinton's performance was important. She stood up and took every shot he fired, was unfazed and unrattled, and she dismantled the bully. It was surgical, it was calculated,

-She was unflappable in face of his attacks. bullies need reaction, they need to see they're getting to their victim.

-She was confident in herself. A bully thrives on undermining his victim's sense of self worth.

-She was measured in her responses, sure it seems bland at times but bullies need ammunition, she gave him none which left him scaping the extremes, forced to use conspiracy theories and lies to attack her.

-She ignored his attempts to intimidate. when he was stalking and looming behind her on the stage, she just continued as normal and as a result the bully looked awkward and creepy rather than strong and imposing.

-She goaded him carefully and strategically. From calling him 'Donald' to carefully prepared barbs, she knew that he couldn't resist responding to anything that suggested he wasn't the strongest person in the room. But it was careful and often subtle and patient so his responses were the story, not her attacks.

Bullying comes from a place of deep insecurity, the need to put others down to appear strong displays fundamental weakness.

Clinton exploited this masterfully and Trump walked into every trap she set for him.

Her 'shimmy' and "wooo, ok!" at the end of the first debate after he ranted and frothed about his great temperment was combined with her most direct attack, the Ms America comments. It was the moment where the bully had lost contol of the relationship. the power dynamic had firmly shifted and from then he was flailing wildly, every attack he made just made him loom sad and desperate as she smiled and without a word told the world, 'I'm smarter, stronger and bigger than him'.

It was masterful.

and to anyone who's ever been bullied, anyone who's been labeled, belittled, put down or intimidated,

the bully was defeated.

it was glorious, it was cathartic, it was...

it was heroic.

Life Choices

When a man moves into his 40s things change. His youth is behind him, and maybe he's mostly at peace with that, accepting and embracing a new season of maturity. Maybe there's still some conflicting emotions as his past recedes along with his hairline.

In this season he often finds himself wrestling with the deeper questions of life.

Purpose, why is he here?
Achievement, is he where he hoped to be?
Fulfillment, is he living and loving his life?

His mind turns to the future. The invulnerability of youth behind him, the responsibilities of middle age weigh on his mind.

His thoughts turn to deeper things like mortality. Achievements begin to focus less on on the now and more on the future. His legacy.

And of course there is the big question. The one I believe all men will contemplate at some point. A question born of his new found maturity and his changing sense of priorities and identity. A question that with have deep, far reaching consequences for his future and ultimately his legacy.

The BIG QUESTION.

Should I grow a mustache?

So it begins!

I'm Listening.

I took a step.

It has been said that "All that is required for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

So recently I took a step of action. I recognised where my knowledge and experience were lacking. I have seen countless posts and comments on Facebook and other media from white people regarding the recent racial violence and the #blacklivesmatter movement.

I couldn't help feel that so often these comments, although mostly (sadly not entirely) well-meaning came across as patronising and ignorant.

I didn't want to sound like that. I was raised to see people as people. Individuals, to be treated equally with respect and courtesy regardless of race, religion or gender. I do not understand racism or prejudice. They don't make sense to me.

But I was born white. I do not know what it is like to be followed around by store security for no reason but the colour of my skin. I do not know what it is like to be pulled over by the police just for driving home. There's even a phrase for it, 'driving while black', it's entirely outside my experience. I do not know what it is like to be followed by a police car as I walk through my own neighborhood. I do not know what itis like to feel fear of those who are supposed to protect us. My biggest fear if pulled over by the police is that I'll be getting a traffic ticket.

I began to realise that as white people we don't need to talk. We needed to listen. This is not about how much we have to say, it's about how much are we prepared to listen. 

Usually, in social situations people avoid conversations about race. It's uncomfortable. So I reached out to a friend and  asked if we could meet up over coffee and specifically talk about race and racism. A white man and a black man in a coffee shop in conversation about race.

We need to listen. So, as much as possible I listened. I learned. It wasn't always comfortable. It shouldn't be. When the mirror is held up and we see our flaws, we see out complicity, however unintentional, it's not fun.

But we have a choice. We can take offense, draw a line, push back, avoid, try to ignore, dismiss, or hide our heads in the sand.

All these choices add to our complicity.

"All that is required for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

So we must act. We must act by joining the conversation and listening, not to give an answer but to truly hear the cries of inequality and injustice.

Listen. Hear. Share your experience. Join the conversation.

And keep doing it.

We can be part of the change.

I took a step. I will take another, and another. I will keep taking steps, one at a time, I hope others will join and take steps too. We keep taking steps together.

I look forward to continuing the conversation.

#blacklivesmatter
#imlistening
#jointheconversation

Which Lives Matter?

A group of people are gathered for dinner. When the food is brought out everyone gets a fresh, hot plate of delicious food. Except Bob.

Bob says, "Excuse me, I don't have food like everyone else." His friends rally around in his support

#Bobdeservesfood

There are 3 ways Bob's companions could potentially react; (for the purposes of this discussion we will disregard the few who might claim that they don't like Bob and they're happy he has no food and they like to see Bob suffer. These people are not welcome at the table.)

The first potential response is to not recognise that there is a problem. Denial and ignorance.
Maybe Bob is at the other end of the table, they don't know him or his friends and frankly this kind of thing doesn't happen anymore. The more unkind end of this may see Bob as being disruptive and ungrateful.
Acknowledging there is a problem is uncomfortable. It's easier to say

#everyonedeservesfood

The next potential response sees that Bob has not recieved the same food as everyone else but chooses to do nothing. It seems harsh to say, but essentially they don't care. Or they don't care enough. They have food, their friends have food, it's not really their problem. What could they do anyway?
Some of these are more upset by the disruption Bob and his friends are making than they are at the fact Bob has been treated unfairly. Don't rock the boat. Stop yelling. You're making everyone else uncomfortable.

#everyonedeservesfood

The final potential response is to see the problem and come alongside Bob in demanding he gets the same food as everyone else. Demanding that Bob is treated fairly. This response sees the unfairness and regardless of whether they know Bob personally they are not comfortable with the injustice and will not be able to enjoy their meal until Bob has his too.

#everyonedeservesfood?

sure, but right now Bob is hungry. Bob and those who support him are not asking for special treatment, they are merely demanding that Bob deserves the same meal as everyone else.

#Bobdeservesfood

When Bob has his dinner there will be no more need to say it. No more need to fight. And if in the future Susan doesn't get food, Bob will be the first to say #Susandeservesfood.

But for now

#Bobdeservesfood

#blacklivesmatter

#imlistening

Book #2 The Big Sleep - Raymond Chandler

Not sure if it's against the rules to read books I've read before, the idea is to read more new books after all, but it's my mission so I make the rules!

It's not something I intend to do too much but once in a while it's good to go to the old favourites.

Raymond Chandler definitely qualifies as an old favourite. He's one of those authors I can return to over and over.

Chandler's use of language is richly textured and deeply evocative. He paints scenery and moods with his words, perfectly capturing the spirit of a genre he pioneered.

His protagonist, Philip Marlowe has become the template for the hard nosed private eye, but Marlowe stands apart. A complex nuanced character, tough and rugged but educated and principled with a  softer heart than expected and an almost masochistic sense of self sacrifice.

The Big Sleep is Chandler's first novel and while not as well crafted as later works like Farewell My Lovely, it's raw edge and grittiness are compelling. Marlowe's rough nobilty proves to be a beacon in a story populated by largely immoral characters. In a sordid tale of blurred lines and shades of grey, Marlowe rises. He bends the rules and skirts the law but he's unrelentingly the good guy. He's tougher than the tough guys, more honest than the law, a tarnished crusader stubbornly protecting the not so innocent.

The language throughout is gloriously poetic. Chandler pioneered a genre and in all the copies and parodies, he is without equal.

Read this.

5/5 stars

Book #1: The Girl on the Train - by Paula Hawkins

So here it is, 1 book down, 51 to go!

I'm going to keep reviews short. A few thoughts, room for discussion. Certainly not planning on writing 52 essays!

The book: The Girl On The Train - Paula Hawkins

Started: June 8th
Finished: June 8th

Wasn't feeling well, allergies blew up on me and I needed a distraction so I read, and as my wife will testify (with more than a little jealousy) I'm a pretty fast reader!

So, back to the book.

 The Girl On The Train is a thriller, not my usual book choice. My wife had read it on a friend's recommendation and so it became number 1,

This book doesn't feel like a thriller as you read it, It's a picture of broken people trying to find meaning and maybe hope. The characters feel real and believable. They're well written and they pull the reader along as the story unfolds. Hawkins manages to keep the tale down to earth. It's gritty and personal, with little embellishment or hyperbole. The plot has twists and turns but it's more of a slow untangling of the threads story.

It's a well written, enormously satisfying read.

Thoroughly enjoyable, and highly recommended.

I'll give it 4/5 stars.

A Mission

A friend recently posted on Facebook that she'd set herself the goal of reading 52 books in a year. She read 54. It's been burning in me since I saw her posts on it so this is me giving it a shot.

Thanks Kim!

I'm going to use this blog to track progress and write reviews.

Oh, and please, please, please, any suggestions or recommendations are welcome.